It's Just a Fleshwound

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About Me

Ex-IndyCar blogger. The biggest hyperbole addict ever. The best mediocre MechWarrior Online pilot. Human paraquat.

Twitter:

@fleshwound_NPG

Email:

fleshwound_01@hotmail.com

  1. Cancel the video and song of the year contest, WE HAVE A CHAMPION.

    “Schoolhouse Rock” style of animation? CHECK.

    MS Paint used? CHECK.

    Headband on lead singer? CHECK.

    Is he also wearing a cape? CHECK.

    Lead singer and band descending from heavens to ROCK? CHECK.

    Lead singer giving David Lee Roth-esque “WOOOOOO” after choruses? CHECK.

    Excalibur-esque pulling of guitar out of stone on top of mountain, followed by guitar solo? CHECK.

    Guitarist is riding a tiger? CHECK.

    Tiger-stripe outfits? CHECK.

    Tiger-stripe diapers on baby, giving metal horns? CHECK.

    “Tiger” in the lyrics? CHECK.

    “Tiger” in the song title? CHECK.

    “Tiger” spelled with a Y? CHECK.

    Nuclear bomb? CHECK.

    Was the bomb blast from an amplifier turned to 11? CHECK.

    Undead band playing metal after said nuclear bomb blast? CHECK.

    Band logo on fire? CHECK.

  2. 1 Notes
  3. Album Review: “The Life and Times of Scrooge” by Tuomas Holopainen

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    Album review by Nathan Gruenholz

    My first ever album review for this metal site wasn’t quite a metal album. The second album review? Not at all, either. Metal cred now officially gone, before I even had any. But hear me out, it’s another Nightwish member going solo…

    Nightwish’s founder Tuomas Holopainen for the first time (and perhaps only time) has decided to do a solo project. It’s odd considering Nightwish fulfills all of his vast musical ambitions. But one idea he’s had for the better part of two decades is something that wouldn’t sound quite right for Nightwish: a “soundtrack” to his favorite…book? Not just any book, but the graphic novel “The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck”.

    Sure, a soundtrack to a comic book. About a Disney duck. No metal band in the history of ever would touch that with a 10-foot Lemmy Kilmister signature Rickenbacker bass…not even a symphonic-metal band as diverse as Nightwish. So with that in mind Tuomas did this project with his name stamped to it without the band.

    Also in doing a “book soundtrack” Tuomas would be creating possibly a musical first. Soundtracks are created for movies, videos and similar mediums. I don’t think a soundtrack to a book exist. Nobody would have original music in their minds when reading. But this is Tuomas Holopainen we’re talking about. So, a soundtrack to a book about Scrooge McDuck it is.

    Now my knowledge of Scrooge is based on “DuckTales”, which has musical ties to it already. Name me a greater theme song to a cartoon. Guaranteed it will be running on a loop 80 times in your head in the next 24 hours. Also another example of ol’ Scrooge having epic music about him is in the “DuckTales” 8-bit NES game. The Moon level theme is one of the greatest video game musical themes of all time, only topped by Super Mario Bros. level 1-1 and the main theme to The Legend of Zelda. Even the “remastered” DuckTales game released recently has an excellent new take on it.  Remixes of the track done by people on the internet are incredible.  The bar has been set quite high for Tuomas already.

    Reviewing a “soundtrack” shouldn’t be to foreign to me; I’m a big fan of the soundtracks to the “MechWarrior 2” video games (and the cut-scenes from those games). Tuomas is a big fan of soundtracks himself, but prefers those that have been written for movies (see: Hans Zimmer). So let’s see if this “book soundtrack” can measure up to such examples.

    (read the complete review after the jump)

    Read More

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  5. Album Review: “Shine” by Anette Olzon

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    Album review by Nathan Gruenholz

    Anette’s career with Nightwish was doomed from the start.

    [cue old-timey black-and-white newsreel footage and sound]

    When Tarja Turunen was fired shitcanned in the name of business left in the frozen Finnish landscape gone from Nightwish Anette was chosen to be her replacement by Tuomas Holopainen. Immediately fans noticed the differences. She wasn’t the soaring, operatic frontwoman Tarja was. The new Nightwish sounded a bit different as a result. The Tarja-era tunes sung live sounded different. To make matters worse this happened during the era of Youtube.

    In came the avalanche of Youtubers down-voting and hate-hate-hate-hating only Silky Johnson would appreciate.

    Comments not unlike “Anette sux lulz” “bitch get of tha stage LOL” “WTF wuz Tuomas thnking” “RIP NIGHTWISH 1996-2005″ would (and still do) flood many Nightwish Youtube videos. In October 2012 Anette got the Tarja treatment when she too was fired shitcanned in the name of business left in the frozen Swedish landscape no longer with Nightwish. It would them seem like those commenters and “fans”(?) would finally be justified.

    Except, looking back, they weren’t…and still aren’t. On that very same Youtube Anette’s debut video “Amaranth” for Nightwish has hit 68,000,000+ views…and counting. Nightwish was still a hit in Europe and the rest of the world. Nightwish’s two albums with Anette charted in the US Billboard Top 100 (something the Tarja-era albums did NOT do), with 2011′s “Imaginaerum” getting an impressive #27. Not bad for a Finnish symphonic metal band heavily ignored by US radio and MTV, with a singer that “sux”.

    Nightwish with Anette was sucessful. Nightwish with Anette was GOOD.

    But enough with history. Anette now has also followed in Tarja’s footsteps in pursuing a solo career (hey, a new tradition!) and her debut “Shine” was just released. Hey, what better way to christen this brand new site than a brand new album review!

    (read the complete review after the jump)

    Read More

  6. 3 Notes
  7. The shitty Winter of 2013-2014 has its hero: Pamela Gardner

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    No doubt this is the worst fucking winter I’ve ever experienced.  Granted if I was still in grade school this would fucking own, but I’m not.  I’m older now, so snow can fuck off and get off of my lawn.

    February is supposed to be the month we begin to slowly warm up, with March being the birth of Spring.  NOPE NOPE NOPE.  Mother Nature is on some sort of apocalyptic frozen scorched Earth policy that involves death to any forecasted temperature above 32.  Watching the weather forecast has become the equivalent of punching your own dick.  With a pickaxe from your freezer.

    Enter Pamela Gardner.

    As you can see, she’s taken this opportunity to actually liven up such deathly forecasts with…oh, my.  Oh, oh my.

    A forecast of 1 degree just above zero becomes something I must image-capture and share with my fellow male delinquents.  Ice storms become saved images on my hard drive.  Snow showers now require cold showers before I go out in public.  STUPID SEXY WINTER OF DEATH!

    These are indeed the times that try men’s souls.  We now have our angel of mercy.

    Finally, a GOOD reason to live in Indiana during the winter.

  8. I never wanted to be a writer.  Hell, I barely spoke more than seven words in a span of hours around others.  Blogger?  I always thought that was a dirty sounding word and literally someone whom was indeed worthless and greatly unemployed.
About a decade ago I was graduating college and thankful that I would no longer have to write another damned last minute late night 2000-page report (give or take 1995 pages) for some hack professors or ANYBODY.  Those same hack professors that claimed to be able to spot a last minute rushed report a mile away never caught on to me. I guess I had a talent, but didn’t care for it.  Nothing interested me enough in wanting to do that ever again…
I was a big NASCAR fan that wanted nothing to do with IndyCar, but it wasn’t always like that.  The Split in 1996 and the sh*tboxes that paced Indy after that left a bad taste in my mouth.  In my eyes there was no reason to watch open wheeled racing ever again.  There was no reason for me to waste my time watching that train wreck. Too many issues. Too many ugly cars. Too many….foreigners.
______________________

Yet here I am, years of watching IndyCar, attending four Indy 500s, four years of writing on PopOffValve, RacingPress and this Tumblr site…all because of a Swiss IndyCar driver.  Without her, I never would’ve written a single article.  I never would’ve joined a single blog.  Those THOUSANDS of words written never get past word one. This Tumblr site wouldn’t exist.  My Twitter account wouldn’t exist.  
So now today I write a goodbye post to her while she chases her dream…
…and I’m having a damned difficult time in doing so. 
I’ve posted dozens and DOZENS of articles and posts about her, met with her on several occasions, and yet here I am on this day of days having to mail it in.  No matter how many words and paragraphs more it just isn’t good enough.  Too many words to say and not enough space and time to say them…
Except…
.
.
.
.
.
.
Good luck, Simona…and thank you.

    I never wanted to be a writer.  Hell, I barely spoke more than seven words in a span of hours around others.  Blogger?  I always thought that was a dirty sounding word and literally someone whom was indeed worthless and greatly unemployed.

    About a decade ago I was graduating college and thankful that I would no longer have to write another damned last minute late night 2000-page report (give or take 1995 pages) for some hack professors or ANYBODY.  Those same hack professors that claimed to be able to spot a last minute rushed report a mile away never caught on to me. I guess I had a talent, but didn’t care for it.  Nothing interested me enough in wanting to do that ever again…

    I was a big NASCAR fan that wanted nothing to do with IndyCar, but it wasn’t always like that.  The Split in 1996 and the sh*tboxes that paced Indy after that left a bad taste in my mouth.  In my eyes there was no reason to watch open wheeled racing ever again.  There was no reason for me to waste my time watching that train wreck. Too many issues. Too many ugly cars. Too many….foreigners.

    ______________________

    Yet here I am, years of watching IndyCar, attending four Indy 500s, four years of writing on PopOffValve, RacingPress and this Tumblr site…all because of a Swiss IndyCar driver.  Without her, I never would’ve written a single article.  I never would’ve joined a single blog.  Those THOUSANDS of words written never get past word one. This Tumblr site wouldn’t exist.  My Twitter account wouldn’t exist. 

    So now today I write a goodbye post to her while she chases her dream

    …and I’m having a damned difficult time in doing so. 

    I’ve posted dozens and DOZENS of articles and posts about her, met with her on several occasions, and yet here I am on this day of days having to mail it in.  No matter how many words and paragraphs more it just isn’t good enough.  Too many words to say and not enough space and time to say them…

    Except…

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Good luck, Simona…and thank you.

  9. 9 Notes
  10. Awww, SI trying to write about IndyCar…isn’t that cute?!? PART 2

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    When we last left our favorite derp-y sports magazine writing about IndyCar they were stumbling over themselves writing about my girl and fucking up her nickname.  This time they lazily post an AP story and write the completely wrong headline.  Oh sure they later fixed it (the url still contains the derp) but left another name-fucking big mistake in there still:

    "Montoya was one of the world’s most promising open-wheel racers in 2006 when he left F1 to join Chap Ganassi’s NASCAR team. Twice he wound up a race winner and in 2009 he qualified for the season-ending Chase.”

    Fucking CHAP Ganassi, folks.

    Granted that’s the AP’s mistake, but still SI copied/pasted and did zero fact-checking.  It seems like the last time they did any research or put forth effort towards an IndyCar piece was after the Dan Wheldon tragedy and what IndyCar could do to make the sport safer….by quoting people in NASCAR in the piece.  This is the SAME NASCAR that encourages wrecking and dangerous driving to drive ratings and interest. Also at the end of one race they had wheels/engine blocks flying into the grandstands (only a year after the Wheldon fatality) due to the dangerous driving they advocated.

    Yep, that’s the people SI talked to about increasing safety in open-wheel racing.

    Not a surprise, really.  This is the same SI that hired and has paid Peter King millions in butchering the motherfucking English fucking language (worse than me) every week.  Don’t believe me?  Just ask Mike Tunison and Drew Magary, whom over the past several years at Kissing Suzy Kolber have exposed Petey as the hack that he is on a weekly basis.  Total ownage.

    Sports Illustrated. Still fucking useless.

    except for this, of course.

  11. Some people didn’t like Ann Wilson’s rendition of the National Anthem. Some people are strange.

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    Awesome work, as usual.

    By judging some comments on Deadspin, however, it wasn’t…

    ………?????

    Okay, that was no Jim Cornelison…but come the fuck on.  A genuine rock goddess doing the National Anthem.  I fail to see (or hear) the problem.

    [looks at Billboard Top 100 chart, and various YouTube videos of modern “music”]

    Ah, modern “taste”. Explains everything. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, DUBSTEP.

  12. 3 Notes
  13. The Indianapolis Star did a very Indianapolis Star thing

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    Of course my dipshit Hoosier Fat Hump brethren would forget to put possibly the best Indiana sports story of 2013 in their “Best of 2013” list.  Sure it’s debatable whether or not it’s THE best, but it SHOULD at least be on a “Best of 2013” list.  I guess they had too much of fat hump-inducing brain-mushing gravy during breakfast at the Indianapolis Star that morning. Tony Kanaan’s long-awaited Indy 500 victory?  After a record-shattering 60+ passes for the lead? The fastest Indy 500 of all time? NAH, LET’S TALK MORE ABOUT SADFACE TOM CREAN AND ANOTHER YEAR OF NO TITLE AT IU.  HEY, ALSO INCLUDE THAT NEW FANCY FOOSBALL TEAM WE GOT THAT WILL SOON BE IGNORED.

    Kudos, however, for at least involving ONE IndyCar related story.  Of course it’s the one that we wish didn’t happen.

    Journalism. The Indy Star has it. Or not.  MAYBE.

    [pours Clorox on Indy Star, lights match, accidentally invents METH NAPALM]

  14. 2 Notes
  15. Merry Metal Christmas, USA

    Out NOW.  Put down the Miley and Katy Perry and pick up TEH FINNISH SYMPHONIC BRUTALZ. \m/ \m/

    Tis the season for giving the gift of music that does not suck.

    It is indeed storytime

  16. 1 Notes
  17. Bored.  Made 1280-720px Floor Jansen wallpaper-esque color and black&white pics using cheap non-Photoshop program thingy, and unapologetic use of the “Print Screen” button.  MS Paint may or may not have been used as well; I kick it old school.

    Also it is nice to know that one day (hopefully still long from now) when the time comes for The Metal God/Defender of the Faith and The Air Raid Siren to indeed retire, Metal will still be in good hands.

    Floor Jansen.

    THE METAL GODDESS.

  18. 6 Notes