No doubt this is the worst fucking winter I’ve ever experienced. Granted if I was still in grade school this would fucking own, but I’m not. I’m older now, so snow can fuck off and get off of my lawn.
February is supposed to be the month we begin to slowly warm up, with March being the birth of Spring. NOPE NOPE NOPE. Mother Nature is on some sort of apocalyptic frozen scorched Earth policy that involves death to any forecasted temperature above 32. Watching the weather forecast has become the equivalent of punching your own dick. With a pickaxe from your freezer.
Enter Pamela Gardner.
As you can see, she’s taken this opportunity to actually liven up such deathly forecasts with…oh, my. Oh, oh my.
A forecast of 1 degree just above zero becomes something I must image-capture and share with my fellow male delinquents. Ice storms become saved images on my hard drive. Snow showers now require cold showers before I go out in public. STUPID SEXY WINTER OF DEATH!
These are indeed the times that try men’s souls. We now have our angel of mercy.
Finally, a GOOD reason to live in Indiana during the winter.
When we last left our favorite derp-y sports magazine writing about IndyCar they were stumbling over themselves writing about my girl and fucking up her nickname. This time they lazily post an AP story and write the completely wrong headline. Oh sure they later fixed it (the url still contains the derp) but left another name-fucking big mistake in there still:
"Montoya was one of the world’s most promising open-wheel racers in 2006 when he left F1 to join Chap Ganassi’s NASCAR team. Twice he wound up a race winner and in 2009 he qualified for the season-ending Chase.”
Fucking CHAP Ganassi, folks.
Granted that’s the AP’s mistake, but still SI copied/pasted and did zero fact-checking. It seems like the last time they did any research or put forth effort towards an IndyCar piece was after the Dan Wheldon tragedy and what IndyCar could do to make the sport safer….by quoting people in NASCAR in the piece. This is the SAME NASCAR that encourages wrecking and dangerous driving to drive ratings and interest. Also at the end of one race they had wheels/engine blocks flying into the grandstands (only a year after the Wheldon fatality) due to the dangerous driving they advocated.
Yep, that’s the people SI talked to about increasing safety in open-wheel racing.
Not a surprise, really. This is the same SI that hired and has paid Peter King millions in butchering the motherfucking English fucking language (worse than me) every week. Don’t believe me? Just ask Mike Tunison and Drew Magary, whom over the past several years at Kissing Suzy Kolber have exposed Petey as the hack that he is on a weekly basis. Total ownage.
Sports Illustrated. Still fucking useless.
…except for this, of course.
Awesome work, as usual.
By judging some comments on Deadspin, however, it wasn’t…
Okay, that was no Jim Cornelison…but come the fuck on. A genuine rock goddess doing the National Anthem. I fail to see (or hear) the problem.
[looks at Billboard Top 100 chart, and various YouTube videos of modern “music”]
Ah, modern “taste”. Explains everything. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, DUBSTEP.
Of course my dipshit Hoosier Fat Hump brethren would forget to put possibly the best Indiana sports story of 2013 in their “Best of 2013” list. Sure it’s debatable whether or not it’s THE best, but it SHOULD at least be on a “Best of 2013” list. I guess they had too much of fat hump-inducing brain-mushing gravy during breakfast at the Indianapolis Star that morning. Tony Kanaan’s long-awaited Indy 500 victory? After a record-shattering 60+ passes for the lead? The fastest Indy 500 of all time? NAH, LET’S TALK MORE ABOUT SADFACE TOM CREAN AND ANOTHER YEAR OF NO TITLE AT IU. HEY, ALSO INCLUDE THAT NEW FANCY FOOSBALL TEAM WE GOT THAT WILL SOON BE IGNORED.
Kudos, however, for at least involving ONE IndyCar related story. Of course it’s the one that we wish didn’t happen.
Journalism. The Indy Star has it. Or not. MAYBE.
[pours Clorox on Indy Star, lights match, accidentally invents METH NAPALM]
Out NOW. Put down the Miley and Katy Perry and pick up TEH FINNISH SYMPHONIC BRUTALZ. \m/ \m/
Tis the season for giving the gift of music that does not suck.
Like the world needed more ugly racing cars. Swift, we barely knew thee.
I know some of you figured I was on top of the world Saturday. You would think with all the bullshit Simona’s gone through that I (and of course, herself) would be elated beyond measure.
The underfunded teams. The fire at Texas 2010. The fire at Indy 2011. The subsequent 2nd degree burns at Indy healing throughout 2011. The concussion at Milwaukee 2011. The concussion leading to her missing Iowa 2011. The Customs issue prior to Sonoma 2011 and missing that race. LOTUS all throughout 2012. Going SLOWER than her old Lotus at Iowa 2013 and finishing multiple laps down…in the heat race.
That’s a lot to put up through without much results.
So when she crossed the line in 2nd place in the first Houston Grand Prix double-header many of you were beyond excited for her first appearance on the IndyCar podium.
I was excited.
But not too excited.
It appeared neither was she, for that matter.
Sure, this was a LONG time coming. Sure this was way, way, WAY overdue. Sure this was her first IndyCar podium finish…
But the way I felt (and it seems she, too) was as though…well…Marshall Pruett of Racer.com says it best at about the 3:50 mark in this video…
"She was really happy to be up there, but…she looked like she belonged…she did what we all expected her to be able to do.”
She expected to be up there. I expected her to be up there. We all should expect her to finish on the podium again, and again and again…
…and to stand in the middle of it.
And when that happens we should get excited. But again, not too excited.
For she belongs there. We expect it. Most of all she expects it.
…and it won’t be a one time deal like last time.
Now, about that bow-tie…..