It's Just a Fleshwound

My advice to fellow Simona fans…

With Simona de Silvestro getting black flagged before lap 10 at Indy, and 3 of the next 4 races are on ovals, it’s going to be a long month.

Who am I kidding…with her being the only Lotus left in the field it’s going to be a long YEAR going forward. But it already has been up to this point. Considering how nice, positive and full of class she is, she’s not going to leave the team and join a legit, competitive shop anytime soon.

Take my advice, and drive to your nearest liquor store.

The Month of May 2012: Retrospective

For me, May is over. Race day is coming, but the month preceding it has come to an end. After race day I will no longer have to get up at stupid-o’clock and splatter the splooge of Satan called “sunscreen” on myself. However, it will also mean I will no longer be graced by Simona de Silvestro’s zillion-dollar EVIL-SLAYING smile, the smell of ethanol (which doubles as an aphrodisiac and causes you to hump the nearest carbon-based opposite-sexed life-form) and the roar of TURBOCHARGED IndyCar engines. I accomplished a LOT this May and enjoyed it, but there also remains things unfulfilled and disliked as well.

Here’s random thoughts, bullshit, and grievances about the REAL most wonderful time of the year…

1. Simona de Silvestro, being the only full-time Lotus driver, has no chance Sunday…or the rest of the Sundays this season. AGAIN. So this is what it feels like to be a Chicago Cubs fan, somewhat (give or take a century of losing). Somebody PLEASE hire her away from the joke that has become HVM Racing (which has become a joke, mostly in part due to Lotus Cars). I can only take so many more shots of booze per race. MY LIVER DEMANDS JUSTICE.

2. Despite the Lotus engine issues, I wished I could’ve remembered to tell her before the final restart in the race, to do some odd strategy like top off the fuel. The new engine is a complete unknown in extended fuel-mileage on an oval. It’s the only way HVM has any sort of shot at winning, should they NOT get black-flagged for their lack of speed and somehow remain on the lead lap. Hey, it nearly worked for JR last year…

(DON’T mock my crazy pseudo-clairvoyance…re-read the last sentence. IndyCar and fuel-mileage races go hand and hand. Like pizza and beer, bacon and everything, certain former presidents and pornstars.)

3. Sunscreen. So necessary, yet SO FUCKING ANNOYING LIKE CICADAS AND CELINE DION.

4. The IMS Yellow Shirts. No comment.

5. My credit card bill, like the Yellow Shirts, NO COMMENT either.

6. Some people are starting to recognize me and my talents(?!?!) at blogging/tweeting. I was even asked (I turned it down) to do a radio interview for a station in Des Moines, Iowa. I weep for those sorry souls…

7. Pippa. Freaking. Mann. Your time will come.

8. According to sources most of the IndyCar owners aren’t happy with Randy Bernard. Even Roger Penske isn’t too happy with him and not on speaking terms. Never change, (certain) Indycar owners. Assholes. Randy really IS The Man. Where was this guy back in early-90s CART? Don’t let the bastards beat you, cowboy.

9. Unless the skies are going to be overcast and temperatures below 65 (like they were in 2011), I’m done with the concept of Carb Day.

10. Monica Hilton. Queen of IndyCar PR. Undisputed. Undefeated.

11. The Yellow Party, though a BIT too high-class, high-society for me (although Randy Bernard was wearing cowboy boots…SHIT, YEA) was amazeballs. Amazeballs, according to spell-check, isn’t a word. It is now.

12. My girlfriend didn’t like me spending so much money (on a Simona item) during the silent auction for The Yellow Party. It was for a very damn good cause. I HAVE THE MORAL HIGH GROUND.

13. This month I resigned from posting at Trackforum. Ever since then I’ve had a happier outlook on life. I recommend the same for those who post there.

14. @HVMracing is becoming a twitter account worthy of following again like last year. Okay not QUITE as good as last year, but certainly better than what it was starting this year (when they were getting hacked every other week).

15. Whomever is dating Lindy Thackston, you are one lucky son-of-a-bitch.

16. For the last time people…the IndyCar history books and stats don’t START in 1996.

17. There STILL remains NO NEW SIMONA MERCHANDISE for 2012.

18. As cool as LIDS is for making the new merchandise for IndyCar and its teams, the prices are a bit too high. Unless you’re shopping for Deryer & Reinbold Racing Lotus 2012 closeout gear.

19. Danica Patrick doesn’t miss the Indianapolis 500 (in that case, we don’t miss you either).

20. But her parents miss it, and both were seen in the garage area this month.

21. Last, and definitely not least, the picture above….once again, for the millionth time, THANK YOU SIMONA.

(I don’t think she yet recognizes me, despite there is now THREE pictures of the both of us now floating around the internet. This might be considered a bad thing, but to me it really isn’t. Why? Security guards aren’t tackling me for standing so close to her…YET.)

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UPDATE: Upon further review…that is the FIRST photo of us both in which I’m NOT wearing an Iron Maiden t-shrit.

HOWEVER it’s the first time she put her arms around me. HATERS THEY GONNA HATE.

“Snappy Casual” = probably not this

In less than 24 hours I will be getting ready to take part in The Yellow Party, which is not only a party/fundraiser for a good cause but I will get to meet several IndyCar drivers in the process. I’ve purchased VIP Tickets, which means I put down serious coin for cancer research and I will get even closer to the drivers. HOORAY FOR STALKING FOR A CAUSE!

Attending the party also means a couple of potential issues for me:

1. Standing too close to Simona de Silvestro and I WILL at long last get security called on me. I’ve followed her for far too long this month (errr…the past 3 seasons) and I’m sure she now recognizes me. Odds of this happening are high…and will get higher with each cocktail consumed.

2. Attire for the evening is “snappy casual”

AW, SHIT. I guess an oil-stained pair of jeans and a torn Iron Maiden shirt are out of the question for the evening, then. This does pose a problem…THAT is the majority of my wardrobe. I’m not joking. 86% of t-shirts I own reference either Iron Maiden or another Metal band of some sort. 97% of jeans have been worn to a workplace that involves shovels and jackhammers and not cubicles and meetings with executives.

With all that in mind I had to purchase recently a “decent” pair of jeans and a shirt with something I didn’t know existed on shirts: a collar. Yep, I’m going to actually do this “snappy casual” thing. My inner redneck wholeheartedly disapproves, even though the shirt is made by Wrangler and purchased at a Wal-Mart in Kentucky.

You better be impressed, IndyCar peeps. Especially you, Simona. This is for you people. You will not see the likes of this again.

[clutches boot-cut jeans and Metallica shirt, spits a wad of Copenhagen]

May Simona de Silvestro be your emotional guide

For Scott Dixon never had to drive a Lotus…

1 Notes

You’re welcome, IndyCar fans

This is an animated .gif of Simona de Silvestro blowing a kiss to you.

That is all.

2 Notes

The Women of IndyCar (and Danica, too) in a nutshell

Who’s hotter than race-day asphalt? Pfffffffft.

The whole argument as to who’s the hottest woman really is a moot point if the woman in question is a total bitch that you can’t stand to take anywhere or even stand to stand beside them for an extra 0.00001 of a second. Forget physical looks alone, what KIND of girl are they?

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Danica Patrick

She’s the kind of girl you would take to a red-carpet event.

Ana Beatriz

She’s the kind of girl you would take to a party…since Brazil invented “parties” (NO ONE DENIES THIS).

Pippa Mann

She’s the kind of girl you would take out on a fun date-night to the movies, the mall, etc.

Katherine Legge

She’s the kind of girl you would take on a European vacation (considering she’s actually lived there more recently).

Sarah Fisher

She’s the kind of girl you would take home to mother.

Simona de Silvestro

She’s the kind of girl you could take to a bar fight.

…for she would be able to take care of herself.

2 Notes

Welcome to The School of Iron Maiden, Simona

(From sports.yahoo.com)

Since they call you the Iron Maiden do you like the band, Iron Maiden?

No, I’ve never seen them, I didn’t even know it was a band, until I was called the Iron Maiden and some people on Twitter told me that there was a band. I’m not even listening to their music, I think I have to check it out.

First of all, nice headline Yahoo. Sounds familiar.

Second of all, this isn’t her first Maidenized interview.

Third…DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE A BAND??? NEVER HEARD THEIR MUSIC??? YOU HAVE FAILED ME, HVM RACING! YOU HAVE FAILED ME!!!

Okay, Simona. Time to learn about the greatest Heavy Metal band of all time.

Albums:

You’re best bet is anything released in the 1980’s. This is the GOLDEN AGE of Heavy Metal, and Maiden’s greatest era as well. The Bruce Dickinson-sung albums during that age (1982-92) are your best bet. I recommend the just turned 30-year-old all time classic, and another album and my personal favorite “Somewhere in Time” as good starting points. Any of the “Greatest Hits” albums (there are a few, like any band) would do.

Songs:

In the age of mp3’s and iPods my guess is that you’re going to download individual songs at first. Here are some of my favorites:

“Wasted Years”

“The Wicker Man”

“Run to the Hills”

“Alexander the Great” (What’s more METAL than a history lesson???)

“Wildest Dreams”

Live albums/concerts:

Of course the MANDATORY video is 1985’s Live After Death and a very good modern vid is 2001’s Rock in Rio. You cannot go wrong with either one. Also this summer Iron Maiden is going to be on tour in North America and I highly recommend attending if you get a chance. They’re one of the VERY BEST live.

Of course there’s MUCH MORE to cover but this blog isn’t LONG ENOUGH to cover it. Enjoy learning about some of the best music and greatest rock musicians you’ll ever hear.

You’re welcome, Simona.

1 Notes

IJAF BLOG UPDATE:

I’ve been busy with things since the season started. Get off my ass.

Meanwhile, enjoy the 2011 Indy 500 by ABC. Just one more month to go…

First-World Grievances: “Luxury watches”

Now, I enjoy a good timepiece. It’s probably the only “bling” us men are really allowed to wear without looking like a complete douche (unless you have a platinum album, but you STILL might come across very douchetastic). So a couple of years ago when Simona de Silvestro came to IndyCar and had a watch deal naturally I was intrigued. Also it was probably the only sponsor that was available for purchasing (I wasn’t interested in the Stargate Resistance game, and it would completely fail later on along with the stillborn Stargate Worlds MMO). The BRM watches she was pimping looked fucking massive and eleventy different kinds of awesome. So when her BRM watch came up for sale on her merchandise site I couldn’t believe the price:

SEVEN. FUCKING. THOUSAND. MOTHERFUCKING. DOLLARS.

What, do I get a free date with Simona as a bonus? Is she wearing high-heels and a skirt so high Bronte Tagliani would blush? Does that date involve a sleazy motel at the end of the night? With a box of magnum-sized rubbers and a 7000 gallon vat of body oils? With a “Newlywed’s Honeymoon Edition” game of “Orifice Twister”? WITH BRONTE TAGLIANI, TOO??? NO?!!?!? FUCKING DAMN. Who in their right minds spend THAT kind of money on a timepiece? That is absolutely insane. NO WRISTWATCH should cost that much money, nor should it cost that much to manufacture.

But they do. And BRM watches aren’t alone. And Simona wasn’t the only driver (there isn’t BRM signage on her firesuit/car this year, I believe) pimping useless expensive wrist sundials.

I see other racing drivers, among other sports stars and celebrities, with similar watch “sponsorships”. Many of those watches are also priced so high it would make both an Occupier and a Tea Partier agree in its insanity and fornicate on the lawn together in sweaty, slobbery, forbidden fucking harmony…while Nancy Pelosi and Ron Paul watch on and fondle their geriatric selves.

You know why they are priced so high? Because (rich) people are dumb enough to fall for the “fact” that they are worth the price. Let me let you in on a little secret: a $1000 watch most likely doesn’t cost $1000 to make. Hell, I’m not sure it takes even half of that to produce, advertise, sell, and ship. Even if one did it would not only be priced EVEN HIGHER than “just” $1000, but it would (and should) be considered a waste of resources and ironically, time.

Don’t worry, because I have a solution.

Recently I re-discovered a Russian Submariner’s watch that I used to lust over many years ago when The Edge Company Catalog was still in circulation. I found one (among many other USSR military watches) on eBay for a very reasonable price. My inner Captain Marko Ramius shat himself a Red October-sized brick.

…on top of that, there was an option on the eBay page for a $25 donation to the victims of the deadly Tornadoes in early March in the mid-west. Not only did I find a nice timepiece that was SUB $100 AND NOT MORE THAN A FUCKING GRAND, I did the very anti-douche thing in giving to those who actually NEED money and support.

JOIN THE REVOLUTION, COMRADES!!! WE SAIL INTO HISTORY!!!

*plays “Mother Russia” at 178 dB, drives semi straight into the nearest river, while yelling RIGHT FULL RUDDER, REVERSE STARBOARD ENGINE!!!*

2 Notes

Thirty years, one album

Okay, a bit off-topic today (wait, I can make it on-topic after all).

Thirty years ago today quite possibly the greatest heavy metal album ever created was released out into the unsuspecting public.

Woe to you, oh Earth and Sea…

Indeed.

UP THE IRONS.

3 Notes

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